I’m so thankful that God isn’t mad at me. He doesn’t think I ruined my life. He doesn’t think I missed “the” grand plan. He doesn’t remind me of what I “could have been”. It certainly is not His words that fill my heart with regret. He doesn’t punish me. He doesn’t look at me with disappointed eyes. He doesn’t “pick me last” because no one else would have me. He doesn’t disapprove of my life. No…..not at all. Why would He disapprove the very breath He gave me? In all honesty, this has been my internal dialogue for longer than I care to admit.
The fact of the matter is that even if I choose to take a “wrong path” and end up in a different place, God has already made His choice.
I am not so powerful that I could “ruin” God’s plan. His plan moves forward in another way, with another person. He may choose to make beauty out of ashes. The very thing that looked dead and gone. God can choose to make it live again. He is the One-Who-Transforms. His faithfulness is the most hope-filled thing. I am one who has thought so much has been lost. I have thought I waited too long. I wasted too much time. I have filled my mind with thoughts of what-could-have-been. By spending so much time thinking of all the “what-ifs”….there-in lies the waste of time.
I turned 40 this year. I can say these few years leading up to forty have been extremely difficult. While youth has been gone for some time, others continue to tell me I’m so young and have so much to learn. I do not argue the “so much to learn” part. We should all be wise to keep that perspective no matter what age. God has been speaking a very clear message that my heart is finally hearing. He just wants to be “with” me. He wants to laugh with me. He wants to cry with me. He wants to have fun with me. He wants to adventure with me. He wants to BE with me. In the challenges. In the heartaches. In the stretching. In the brokenness. In the healing. Some healing is immediate. Some healing takes time. He wants to be with me IN it. He has Courage for me IN it. Bravery and Strength. Influence. Passion and Peace. Joy. Love. Always Love. I remember young adulthood. Oh the pressure to DO! ACCOMPLISH! MAKE YOUR MARK! DONT WASTE TIME! But we come with cracks, and these things break us. I look at my boys….and I see the cracks. Some they were born with. Some I inflicted. I’m so thankful to see them. I should never dismiss them, or my part in them. Ownership is a big deal. God is so gentle that He may even use me to help heal those cracks I inflicted.
But He isn’t angry. He isn’t waiting for my next screw-up. Isn’t that freeing? Doesn’t that just take such a burden off? God has been so gentle and kind. The warmth of His voice has persistently reached the darkest and coldest and emptiest parts of my soul. Those times I took a different path were times He used to draw me closer. To become like Jesus happens in my day-to-day. My becoming like Him and drawing others to Him are in the choices I make everyday. And so nothing is lost. Nothing is wasted. If everything in my life worked together to transform my life and make me like Him…then nothing is wasted. I woke up this morning feeling so thankful for WHO He is and HOW He has been with my fragile, broken pieces. We can trust His hands to hold us and heal us…..and BE with us.